"In losing almost everything I had, I have found everything I wanted. Taking a risk is never easy, and some choices are between scary and terrifying, but I make them all the same and move on...with my life...in peace...ahhhhh....I am content!"

   When I first wrote this I had just found out that my divorce was final.  It was not an easy time...and I did loose almost everything "we" had worked so hard to acquire.  I went from living in a 2,200 square foot house on three beautiful acres, to a 600 square foot garage apartment.  I had three sweet dogs, and four precious cats.  My ex took the dogs, but I couldn't keep all four cats.  I had to make the choice of which would come with me and which would go to new homes.  It's a shame to say, but I was more upset about loosing my fur babies, and my house, than I was about ending my 13 year marriage.  I guess that says a lot.  After 8 months of waiting, it was finally over, decree signed, maiden name returned...done.  I thought.   That day was so bitter sweet.  13 years is a lot of life to give up.  Now, I knew I had a choice to make.  Would I live in the past and "mourn" my little losses, or would I move on and work on becoming the woman I knew I could be?  

   Oh, I cried and cried, and then, started feeling guilty for crying over something so trivial. I thought, "There are much bigger, more painful things happening to people every day.  What right did I have to feel sad, or depressed over this small thing?"  As I thought about that guilt I realized that was a mistake, feeling guilty. Crying over small things wasn't wrong.  What I suddenly understood was that if I don't let those small hurts and heartaches be expressed, they fester.  I find that if I don't release them, cry them out, that I feel worse every time they come back into my thoughts.  And they come back more and more often, getting bigger, an emotional snowball rolling downhill.  By not releasing them, they build power.  

   So here's my point...it's OK to cry over the small things.  I've heard the old saying, "No use crying over spilled milk."  Well, I think there is a use.  Crying is a release...a way of letting go of those "small things" that don't seem important, but they actually are.  I'm in pain, and it's OK to cry.  I'm scared, and it's OK to cry about that, too. I  feel foolish, but it's not being foolish, it's being human.  I don't ignore a cut, I clean it and bandage it so it heals.  Getting rid of those little hurts, the "paper cuts" of life, is important. Those tears make room for the joy of life to fill the space they leave behind.  They're the clear, fresh air after the storm.  The brilliant colors that shine out when the rain has washed the dust off the leaves.  Tears are the souls' cleansing mechanism.  The relief I feel after a good cry is the soothing bandage.  I'm not talking about weeping copiously over a lost paperclip, but if I break my favorite coffee mug, and I feel tears building, well, what harm is there a good sniffle or two? 

   For me crying doesn't come easy, I fight it, I try to rationalize it, and then I'll find myself exploding over something very small.  And I know, if I'd cleaned out all those little hurts, I'd be calmer and more able to deal with all the crap that life throws at me everyday.  So, when the big things come up, (and they will), I can handle them better, be stronger for those who need me.  It's about healing myself, allowing me to be the woman I know I can be.

OK, rant done for the day.  Love and Light...Deb