Is my desperate need for security keeping me from my successful self?

I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff.  I want very much to do something that gives me joy, but I have this terrible fear of stepping away from a job, even though it does not serve me.  It feeds my bank account, but it does not feed my soul.  I know there are so many out there that would love to be in my shoes right now.  There are so many without a job, without money in the bank, without any safety nets. And a part of me feels like such an ingrate for feeling as though I need to leave.  Where is that line between gratefulness and selfishness?  Do I go out and just find another job?  Is that the answer?  I’ve been told to follow my passion, but I don’t have the first clue what that might be.  I have no idea how I even go about finding it.  I know what I’m good at, but, I don't think I can make a living doing it. I have so many financial obligations that I live in fear of not being able to meet them.  So do I walk away from those, too? These are contracts that I entered into in good faith.

I’ve made so many poor choices in my life when it has come to financial decisions.  And have trusted all the wrong people when it has come to them.  I feel like a fool sometimes, well, most of the time, really.  I’m terrified of making another one.  I float though each day and hope for the best.  I endeavor to make each day special for someone, but that someone is rarely me.  So how do I change that?  Where do I start? 

I know the answer is inside of me.  That I have to make that choice, and find the path down the cliff.  Jumping is not an option, I’m not brave enough to do it.  So I have to find the way down, without starting an avalanche.   By paying one bill at a time, working one day at a time.  In doing so, I’ll free myself a little more each day. More importantly, trying to do something that is just for me, even the smallest of things, every day. Then, finding the courage to make the changes necessary to pull my life from dreary, to delightful.

I have this quote from Joseph Campbell rolling around in my head:

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

I like that…maybe that’s where I’ll start…

© Deb Hoyt, 2013